Change?

Where to begin?

It's 3:03 am on Sunday which still counts as Saturday and that's final. Tomorrow arrives only after you wake up. What the hell in keeping me up so late? Well basically everything.

I kept thinking about all the things I should do, things I should have done by now and things I never did. Then I asked myself why, why are thing so bloody complicated? Shortly after I came to a conclusion, I think too much.

Every single night before falling asleep I find myself thinking how tomorrow I'll do this and that and planning what to do and how to do it. Sometimes, like today, I even think what will I say when facing a certain situation, and that's when it hit me. I live my life inside my head. I have almost completely stopped living my life outside my head and computer, I'm not studying, so I don't have that people filled environment with social activities and such, the only time when I'm actually doing something worthwhile is on Thursdays for a couple of hours when I'm at the fire station in rehearsal. There really isn't that much time that I spent with people nowadays, it's more like I'm having these interactions with people inside my head where I go through every possible scenario of how thing could escalate from the given point, but when actually facing this situation in real life it never goes quite the way I planned it.

So I just should stop planning and start doing. But then there's the problem of how to not plan things when your brain is not occupied, like when you're driving alone or trying to fall asleep. What do people do while they have really nothing to do? Do they plan ahead like I do but I' the only one having problem with it?

There has to be a change. Change in the way I live my life. Of course military service will sort me out in a month or so but I want to start the change right now. I have said this before, or should I say I have thought of this before. Almost every night. This time though, I didn't just fall asleep with my head full of ideas and plans that I could forget the morning after, this time I stayed up and thought more and finally wrote this. I mean there isn't that many things you could do in the middle of the night when there are six other people trying to sleep in the same house. But this is definitely a start. Less thought, more action.

That's part of the reason why I changed the name of my blog. No, I'm not going to write everything in English from now on, I just think this is a better name. The previous one only represented the ideal me, this one's a bit more accurate. I don't live in the moment, I think of the moment.

That's about all of it. At least all that I can think of right now, and even this is a bit messed up.